Archive for the awful Category

Posted in awful on November 17, 2008 by Dr. Cochrane

something else this week…

Pancreatic Cancer 6/10

Lesser known than the justly celebrated lung and colon varieties, this cheeky little cancer can still surprise with astonishing amounts of pain, and the occasional explosive ejection of bodily fluids. Has been shunning the spotlight for a number of years, but the 21st century may well prove to be its finest hour. A quirky, evocative disease, with moments of real complexity and maturity. One to watch for…


Mr and Mrs Smith (2005)

Posted in awful with tags , , on June 13, 2008 by Dr. Cochrane

we may as well start with one of the bad ones…

Lets suppose we accept the pretensions of Mr and Mrs Smith as an uncomplicated mainstream hollywood film. And forget this was a action-romantic-comedy, with boring action, no romantic warmth, and no laughs, wooden dialogue, generic soundtrack, unrealistic sets etc. Also forget about the moral bankruptcy of the characters (why am I supposed to be sympathetic to these smiling murderers again?). And the utterly predictable plot starting with the ridiculous contrivances needed just to get these brain dead characters not to realise the other is an assassin – finishing with an utterly dull last scene of endless repetitive shooting with a laughable timing of ‘them finally helping each other’ for no particular reason, but signalled by a cue in the sound track and a new camera angle as they wipe out some more anonymous bad guys – a million loose ends left hanging at the tacked on happy ending.

Suppose we ignore all that. Let’s just think about so-called ‘chemistry’ between the leads. It had all the chemistry of an athletic porno fuck without the guts to make it sexually explicit. There was not a single moment of emotional warmth or tenderness between them. The only chemistry between these two actors was possibly that of the audience member ogling at these beautiful dolls. It had all the romantic charm of a bicep pumping body builder leering at you with his dead steriod glaze, forever.

The success of this film was the success of a marketing bubble and the fame/beauty of the leads, blinding you to its manifest rubbishness. I guarantee that history will consign this film to oblivion.

Never; you will not:
Age cannot wither them, nor custom stale
their infinite variety: others cloy
The appetites they feed: but they make hungry
Where most they satisfy